I Don’t Know.

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I heard those opening violins right trailing out of my speakers right as I pulled up behind the van.

I froze, staring at the license plate, wondering about the synchronicity of it. What it all meant.

Because for someone as emotional and watery as me, every little coincidence had to mean something… right? I was always searching for some deeper, hidden, sometimes unfathomable significance.

Make peace… my heart whispered, before my brain could slap a protective hand over its mouth.

Ah, that old romantic idea: Try to fight for resolution, peace, and call a cease-fire. Try to explain myself one more time in a vain attempt for resolution. Not to win anything back or regain old ground: just a simple, optimistic effort to rid the world of just a little of that fierce hatred I still felt rippling in burning waves across the empty space and radial silence.

A different version of myself might have tried to explain yet again, but when it came down to it, I kept arriving at the same conclusions: I had to leave. We weren’t right together. And if I really cared about this person, is was better to remove my brain’s gag on my heart and let it speak freely.

And deep down I know that I will never be forgiven or understood, no matter how I try to explain it.

So my whole heart wished him well, while my brain switched songs and drove away.

February

Sometimes it would be such a blessing to just forget, but I never do. I never can. Instead I sit and replay, dwell, linger over every hurtful word and every broken moment.

It doesn’t help when that bitch Winter really takes her time, slowly and cruelly, before she lies down to die. With her last remaining gasps, her claws gouge hateful curses over ice, shit, and snow, while we hide, huddled inside and curled into blankets, waiting for it to end, hoping just to endure.

February can suck it. Good riddance.

On the Horizon…

Fate has a funny way of comin’ ’round.

I’ve been working as a Leasing Agent for over a year, and I was getting burnt out. I had to work every weekend, which interfered with my ability to travel and perform, where my heart truly lies. I had tried unsuccessfully to move around to a different position within the same building I worked in, and got overlooked for a promotion every time. I was surly, burnt out, and questioning what I wanted my life to look like and wondering why things were unfolding the way they were.

As soon as I put it out in the universe that I wanted weekends off and time and money to pursue what was important to me, then all of the sudden, a job opened up at a different building within my company. Before I knew it, I had raced through two interviews and landed a sweet Monday-Friday position at a new building right by Navy Pier. And interestingly enough, it was more lucrative and better work than any of the other positions I applied for in the past.

With this new change, all sorts of doors open. Finally I think I will have the time and money to pursue the lifestyle I want. As a result, I’m pouring myself full-force into my upcoming shows, and I’ve already begun booking for 2013 for both myself as a solo artist and also with my dance partner Jessica Beuckman. Look out for us at the following shows:

October 26: Performing “Mehbooba” with Jessica at The Meadows Club in Rolling Meadows, IL

November 17: Performing an all-new piece that I’m pretty excited about and a repeat of an old choreography TBD with Jess at the Meadows Club in Rolling Meadows, IL

November 30: Traveling with Lady Jack to perform at the Holiday FEAST of FANCY Burlesque Dinner Show in Rochester, MN

2013: Trips in the works to Columbia, SC and Washington, D.C.!

Please contact me if you’re interested in booking me or Jess for 2013, and I’m looking forward to completing 2012 with a bang!